4am Grief

Before the actual post starts, I want to explain that putting words on paper is my therapy. It gets the hard thoughts out of my head and onto something I can see. It heals me. I have been told a time or two that these words help others know me better, and sometimes helps them put words to their own thoughts. It is with that in mind that I publish an unplanned therapy session from a couple of nights ago. It was good for me, and I feel so much better today.

For the past few weeks, life has been nonstop for me. I had more than one person comment on how well I was handling it all. My standard joke was that I was running on adrenaline and denial. I knew it would all catch up to me "next week", but I had been successfully pushing back "next week". That is, until 4am. That is when it all crashed in. I woke up hoping it was just my middle aged bladder, but it wasn't. Then, I hoped it was just a crick in my neck I'd been battling, but that wasn't it either. My mind was racing with thoughts of my kitchen being torn up for an unplanned remodel thanks to a leaky faucet, but I knew that wasn't the real issue either. As I sat up crying, having lost control of the one last thread I had, Rocky gently rubbed my back in the same way she rubbed my back when I was a little girl, awake because I was spending the night in a bed other than my own, having a sleepover with my favorite person. It all came flooding out. Too many emotions to name, tripping out of my mouth between sobs. My fears, my worry, and then finally, the real reason I was awake, my grief. It finally found a moment that I couldn't fight. The middle of the night. With my conscious thoughts at rest, the door was now open and it wasn't closing until I named it. It's name is grief and it is hard.
It took me a half hour to cry it out, and another half hour to write it out. I'm sure this hour of sleep I have missed will catch up with me tomorrow, but that's okay. I have safety nets during daylight hours, and it won't be so scary then.
Now, I can drift back to sleep having beaten my grief ninja attack with tears and prayers and my husband's gentle hand making circles on my back.